Pretending

The yes that secretly means no. The undefensive bi-product of not standing up for what i know want or believe. the endless wormhole of pretending. less of a wormhole and more like a tapeworm, it takes over stomach like soul, it takes over your hunger like it takes over your intentions. be strong and get rid of the worm inside of you. why.. becuase life is our own, to each comes thier own expierience, one can not fake it but just leaving them empty for the full worm. the Lord will save, will he? will he put me where i need to be? does he bring fulfillment? a direction, a purpose, meaning, motherhood, companionship, a man? a man who i know the name of, a man who gives me purpose, meaning, motherhood, companionship, but i willingly took a worm, the wormhole of pretending. the yes that secretly meant no. the feelings that pointed towards fear and unsettlement, unfulfillment, worms and polyester, expectations and disobediance, lack of peace and love, missing the small which is the everything, the respect, the rape of myself, the i have no words, the drama, negativity, the i want to curl into a ball and cry. and not the, i had no idea how much i was capable of until i met this person. the love, peace, comfort, wellness, creation, joy, that i feel iin the presence of this person. the thought, the care, the love that can’t be broken, tested and forgaven, the word true, a true relationship, a true meaning, a true purpose, a true mother, a true father, a true family, true wealth, true love, true peace, turning a page. pretending is exuasting and unfulfilling. Lord, may i represent a true woman without a worm.